My boyfriend is exactly the sort of guy I don't want to end up with. But we've just celebrated our one year anniversary.
When I met my current boyfriend, I'd just had a painful breakup; I'd been with my ex for three years and only ended it when we we couldn't manage the distance between our colleges any more. A friend-of-a-friend made a move on me in a club, and it made me feel attractive and wanted. After a little convincing, I went home with him - it's something I'd never done before, but I wanted to try and move on and stop thinking about my ex as soon as possible. It wasn't how I'd expected a one-night stand to be; we talked for ages and snuggled all morning afterwards. Before we knew it we were making plans; he came back that night, took me out for dinner the night after and we've been dating ever since. At the time, I thought it was a fairytale - just when I'd expected to be heartbroken and struggling to adjust to the single life, I had great company every night and regular fun dates with a guy who was really 'into me'.
One year on, it's not so rosy. It was supposed to be a fling for a reason; my boyfriend is a natural flirt who loves female attention. I know he's cheated in the past, and although I have no reason to believe he has cheated on me, an incident arose where I asked him to look in the eye and tell me the truth. He lied, for hours. He lets girls who want to get with him sit in his lap in front of all our friends, and it makes me push the boundaries of my flirtation with other guys; hardly a healthy pattern. Whether a cheater or not, I don't trust him, and I believe trust is intrinsic to a good relationship. But that's not all.
My relationship with my ex had been my first serious one, and we were really lucky in that it was pretty fantastic for that point in our lives. I was used to throwing everything I had into a relationship to make it as enjoyable as possible; you know, the little signs to show you care about each other. I wrote him little notes in his books and sent slushy/saucy texts whenever I felt the urge, knowing he'd appreciate and reciprocate everything I did. We both did everything we could to make the other happy, without a second thought. Naturally, I can't help making the same efforts now - and also having the same expectations. I love spontaneously planning a day trip or a picnic or a date night or just a sensual night in, and like to get all the details right, from new underwear to his favourite foods to the perfect little restaurant. I recently planned a two-night mid-week romantic break in Edinburgh, taking care of everything and surprising him ten minutes before the train left.
He didn't even say thank you.
It's not a case of ignorance; I know he knows how much thought and effort I put into things, into making him happy. Maybe he's even grateful, but incapable of showing it. Maybe he thinks it's just something I like to do, or that maintaining the relationship is the girl's job, or that a little spooning in the morning takes care of his side of the bargain. Maybe he's even so egotistical that he thinks he deserves this treatment with nothing in return. Either way, it's a slap in the face to me. I've been in a loving relationship, and to me it's about trust, respect and passion for each other. He's not the sort of guy I want to end up with, and I've already spent a year of my college youth on him.
But I can't break up with him. I've tried; despite his lack of effort to make our relationship work, when threatened he refuses to let it happen, even sitting in my room for hours until I cave. He'll act as if I haven't broken things off, and I just can't keep it up on my own. Why should I sit here lonely, I think, when I could be cuddled up with him watching a movie? Yes, the best he could say was that he 'didn't want to not be with me', and yes, I know he won't act any different, because he can't see what's wrong. I can't ever depend on him to be there for me when I'm down - he often just doesn't text me back, even when I indicate I'm feeling pretty down - but he strokes my hair and kisses me on the forehead. The truth is, I can't imagine not having a boyfriend; what I would do in the evenings all by myself, how I'd spend my time without planning things for us to do, what my incentive would be for dressing up and making an effort, how I'd feel without the frequent physical reassurance of a partner's attention. So I won't break it off, and if he continues not to want to...looks like it'll be the second year anniversary before we know it.
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Derek Lam
"what I would do in the evenings all by myself" Go out with friends, read a book, adopt a dog or cat from your local animal shelter and spend item with it. Get a part time job or do volunteer work. Take a dance class or a pottery class or a cooking class. Get to know and understand yourself.
"how I'd spend my time without planning things for us to do" Plan things FOR YOURSELF!
"what my incentive would be for dressing up and making an effort" How about because it makes YOU feel good?
"how I'd feel without the frequent physical reassurance of a partner's attention" You would feel like yourself. Are you afraid of being alone because you haven't been alone for such along time? Try it. You might really like it. More importantly, you might really like YOU.
1You don't seem like the kind of person who needs to worry about the future as much as the present. Ditch the player, and you'll be fine.
2Betty wayne you put it perfectly.
3How depressing. . .
4I was thinking the same thing le romantique... This chick is never going to be happy, but she kinda gets what she deserves.
5Oh God, I have a friend who's exactly like that!
She can't bear being single for a minute and she is never single unless it's the guy who breaks up with her. Even when her boyfriends are complete losers(no job, living with their parents, their only activity going to the gym) AND don't treat her well, she still continues to see them.
Betty's advice is spot on but I don't think the girl can change how the things are until she really wants to and is ready to change her way of thinking.
6and how will you ever find someone you actually like and are happy with if you're attached to the hip with this guy? anyway, you seem like you need to figure out who you are by yourself before you're in relationship.
7This is just sad. Go with Betty Wayne on this one.
8This sounds like a case of depression and low self-esteem.
Go out and do something for yourself, by yourself. Nothing beats the feeling of accomplishment. You are awesome! You can do anything! A (good) boyfriend is nice to have, but it's certainly not a necessity.
And start doing these things right now. The longer you stay in this relationship and this state of mind, the harder it's going to be. You don't want to waste another minute. Life is too short to be doing things that make your miserable.
9*you
10You won't be happy until you are whole. That means work on yourself until you are comfortable being alone on a Friday night and comfortable just hanging out with friends. A man, or any another person, will never fulfill you. Until you learn that you will always be settling.
11Ummm how exactly does she deserve it?! This girl clearly has self-esteem issues and comments like that are NOT helping.
I used to be in your shoes a while back but one day I just accepted that no guy will be (or SHOULD be) the key to my happiness. Sure, they make us feel warm but we'll never be truly happy until we work on that ultimate relationship--the one we have with ourselves.
Good luck hun
Life is too short.
12I agree with Betty Wayne. However, it sounds like there are lot of issues at hand. According to the well-known saying: "You must love yourself before you can love another." It is so true. Many of my friends go from guy to guy to guy without ever being on their own, and ultimately, never figuring out who they truly are and what they want. My mom is getting divorced after 20 years of marriage--the story is too long and uninteresting for those not involved, but she is enjoying her alone time and discovering who she is and what she wants out of life. It is very freeing and necessary for all people--but especially women since we have been conditioned in a lot of ways to think we only have value when we are in a relationship. I think that most people think that all is well simply when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. However, just because you are with someone doesn't mean you are happy or fulfilled. My mom has said many times that she'd rather be happy and single rather than miserable and attached. And I agree with her sentiment. Only you can make yourself happy. Just because you are single or feel "alone" doesn't mean that you are lonely. Good luck!
13Some of you are being kind of cruel. The problem she has is a serious problem. I think she should seek counseling for her problem.
14You'll never feel happy with anyone until you can feel happy for yourself. Humans are not half a couple, they're whole people. Or at least they should be. There are many routes you can take for feeling like a whole person when not in a relationship and I hope that you can work up the courage to learn to respect and love yourself. You don't deserve misery, you deserve happiness. It's just up to you to find it!
15It's because of Toby Maguire famous line "you complete me." now we feel incomplete just being by ourselves. You complete yourself! Your happiness shouldn't depend on others. It's really a matter of choice.
16^*jerry, but yeah, you're right, you're complete on your on
17I also agree with Betty Wayne and Pistil that she has a depression and low self-esteem problem... Why would you do that to your self LIFE IS TO SHORT!!!! ENJOY IT... If you can't be alone get with friends and if you need some guy attention there are always other million of guys out there that you can hang out with and not have to have anything serious with (not saying be a ho).
18Like my Gran always said to me, "You'll never find the Right One if you're too busy with the Wrong One."
19Wow, some people are being way too harsh! I think this is a more common problem than some people realize and I think it's great that you at least recognize that you're in a less-than-ideal relationship.
That being said, I agree with a lot of what Betty Wayne has to say. Doing things alone can be just as fun as doing things with a significant other, if not more fun! Of course there are advantages to being in a relationship, but there are also advantages to being single.
20AlyCarolina, she didn't 'do that to herself', this problem isn't HER fault. Great advice though guys.
21in the words of dear carrie bradshaw: "some people are settling down, some are settling, and some refuse to settle. for anything less than butterflies."
although i'm single (sometimes loving it and sometimes hating it at certain times), i know that i do not want to waste one minute of my life with someone who doesn't make me completely happy.
22This is how my kinda best friend is. I only say kinda because her boyfriend caused such a rift between us. She spends all of her time with him even though she knows he doesn't love her just because she feels lonely without a boyfriend. Hurts me because we were always so close. I've been in ldr for the past 7 months and will be for one more but I've barely seen her throughout it. It's been a time where I could have used some support. But I've understood it's all about how low she sees herself, so I've tried to boost her. Doesn't do much sadly.
If this girl doesn't really want to be with the guy, she needs to maybe slowly break herself away from him. Spend time with friends because she might have friends that have been feeling neglected while she was with him. Time with friends is really the best way to move on from situations like this.
23I have seen myself in this situation for the past weeks.
I actually confessed to my best friend that i feel like Im only with my boyfriend because of the convenience. He was everything I wished my ex would be. So this is the reason why im sticking up. I love him, Yes, but is that all i want from him? I dont think so. I really think right now, Im only with him because i know i wont have to worry about what lies ahead in the future if we get married. He doesnt just sit around, he works his ass off as much as i do. So i was thinking, its really convenient, plus the orgasmic sex.
Last night he just bid goodbye.
And that he said he just couldnt do it anymore because he was busy and would get even busier in the next few months because hes graduating. He didnt want to hurt me further for not having enough time.
I guess this i karma?
DONT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU.
♥
24I understand exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation. What I decided to do is go online to places like plentyoffish and eharmony and communicate with some folks from there. I leave my cell phone number so we can meet in a public place of course and I am now at a point where I am just collecting phone numbers so when I do leave my boyfriend I will have other hookups for companionship. Give it some thought.
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